00Snape
by Sleeping Dragons Die
Summary: Snape the Man. Lord Snape the Gentleman. Severus the Lover. and ultimately, 00Snape the Spy. COMPLETE
1. Snape The Man

00Snape

Chapter 01: Snape the Man

     Severus Snape, down in his dungeon classroom, was in a posotively _good_ mood. Had he been anyone else, he may have been humming, but as he was Severus Snape, he had slightly lessoned his traditional grimace and flicked his hair out os his pale face. He was perched on the edge of his desk, arms folded across his chest, surveying his small class of advanced NEWT Potions students with something akin to pride. 

     Hermione Granger, his prized student, was carefully dicing boiled lacewig wings, preparing to add them to a shimmering pewter cauldron of _Nabacus El Faradonia _– an insanely powerful transfiguration potion, with her partner Draco Malfoy, who was busy scribbling notes. Over on the other side of the lab a Ravenclaw named Amanda Smith and a Slytherin, Blaise Zabini, were working on an invisability potion; perhaps not as complex as the first, but beyond many of the teachers present certainly. Despite headmaster Dumbeldore's good natured attempts at inner school consiliation, the best house bonding was happening here, in the meanest teacher's lab.

"Right," said Malfoy Jr, "Add the chilli powder in."

Oblidgingly, his partner did so, and Severus became slightly too engrossed in watching her delicate, thin hands pour in the orange powder. 

"_Professor Snape_!" came a suddenly terrified voice, and he looked around to see Blaise Zabini shielding his face with his hands as his cauldron spewed forth an amazing amount of purple fog. 

"Don't panic!" he roared, although there was little need – Hermione Granger had flung a hasty shield around their work and had contained the fog.

"Thankyou miss Granger." He said smoothly, and she dipped her head in awknowledgement, as he set about explaining _what_ had happened and _why_. 

"We're okay, Draco?" asked miss Granger, and her partner nodded.

"We need to get all the animal extracts this week. Do you know-"

"-What animals I'm in charge of? Yes. Snake, for some barmy reason, cat, for an obvious reason, and dragon. Again for some barmy reason seeing as you undoubtedly have more access to dragons and snakes than I do." Interrupted Hermione drily, and Draco gave a sly grin.

"You're doing snake because you're a snake animagus." He pointed out, and received a look that almost skinned him alive. 

"Yes, Draco, thankyou."

"Miss Granger, a snake animagus?" came a silky voice by their ears, and both jumped backwards several feet. 

"Uh." Was all the said miss Granger could manage to squek, and even Draco Malfoy had the decency to look ashamed.

"And what is master Malfoy collecting?" asked Snape, and Hermione looked relieved enough to kiss him. 

"Lizard, dog and Unicorn." Stammered Draco, also looking relieved. 

"Good. And why the magical creatures? Many potions for transfiguration do not allow magical animal change." He chided.  Hermione's face brightened visably.

"We added shredded Boomslang skin and foxglove pollen to out potion. Hopefully this should counter the unstable effects. The boomslang and –"

"Yes, miss Granger, enough. Most impressive I'm sure. And the test subjects?"

"After the rats? Ron Weasley." Hermione flufhes pink very quickly, and even Snape raised an eyebrow. 

"Really? No miyy Zabini – the boomslang next." And he hurried away to the other cauldron. 

"How did you manage to persuade Weasley?" muttered Draco, leaning close. Hermione grinned and whispered back,

"He said he'd do it, if only to make sure the 'greasy bastard gir' didn't get his claws on me. The thing is, he threw a book at me before I could point out the risks…"

Both collapsed into hysterics as Draco whsipered back;

"Did you manage to point out you're already in his claws?"

"_Draco_!"

"Miss Granger, mister Malfoy, what is going on here? Class is dismissed."

"Nothing sir!" they both answered cheerily, and dashed out of the classroom, sending a stream of summoning spells behind them hastily.

[Two weeks later]

Ronald Weasley, stuffing his face full of eggs and bacon on Monday morning, remained oblivious to the eye contact going on a few millimetres from his face. Finally, Hermione Granger nodded and spoke rapidly to Ron.

"Ron! Look! A, uh, heeflelump?"

"Oh, hardy-de-har." Muttred the boy, rudely disturbed from talk of the Hungarian Team. Hermione Granger, smiled grimly to herself and crossed her fingers. She knew what Ron did after he was annyoed by her – take a big swig of his drink. A drink that was today laced with  _Nabacus El Faradonia _and extract of unicorn…

"OH MY MERLIN!" came a bellow from Harry Potter, sitting to Ron. Hermione opened an eye.

Up on the head table, Snape looked round, startled by Potter's scream. To his utter amusement and hilarity, next to Hermione he saw a baby pink Unicorn foal with a hideous tuft of bright red hair on it's head, and startled eyes.

Hermione burst into laughter, and then got up from her place to preform a victory dance. On the other side of the hall, Draco Malfoy was doing the same. 

"It _worked_!" she laughed, "Professor, it _worked_!" and then suddenly,

"They _both_ worked!"and it was true. Harry Potter, poor, innocent, unsuspecting Harry, had taken a swig of his drink to calm his nerves, and his final scream had ended with an enormous blast of fire. Sitting in his place, and this time Snape laughed out loud, was the cutests, most adorabley scaley baby dragon, with messy black hair and a lightning scar on it's muzzle. 

"What on _Earth_?" came Macgonogall's shocked screech, and the hall fell silent. "Miss _Granger_, mister _Malfoy_, up here _now_!"

Both ambled sheepishly up, slightly anxious expressions on their faces as they watched the two magical animals squirm.

"_Minerva_! Do not criticise _my_ pupils!" Snape had lept suddenly to his feet, his face enraged.

"What, so it's fine for _me_ to criticise miss _Granger_, but _not_ mr _Malfoy_! Severus, this is _ridiculous_!"

Snape folded his arms, and drew himself up to his full height. Then he began to shout. 

"You are to punish neither of my pupils! The experiment was fully authorised! Now keep your nose _out_ of my potions lab!"

"Your potions lab?! Ha! This was a prank! Is that not obvious?"

"Actually, professor," interrupted Hermione confidently, seeing Snape was about to explode, "It was a potion. _Nabacus El Faradonia _to be exact. With extract of unicorn and dragon."

"Miss Granger, hold your tongue and do not be ridiculous. There is no potion that will transfrom it's drinkers into magical creatures."

"There is now." Drawled Draco Malfoy, "developed in the last three weeks."

"_By my pupils_!" bellowed professor Snape. And then he seized both his pupils by the upper arm and began marching out of the great hall. 

"Potter! Weasley!" he barked suddenly, "Potions Lab _NOW_!"

"Potter! Weasley! Stay where you are!" shouted Macgonogall suddenly. 

"You crazy tartan lemming!" screeched the potions professor, turning and drawing out his wand. Macgonogall, looking apprehensive, but Snape ignored her. 

"Wands, now." Scowled he at his pupils, who gulped and proferred their wands. Joined at the tips, the wands began to emit fog, which cleared leaving pictures in the air.

The whole school watched in silence as Draco and Hermione scowled at each other over the top of a cauldron and then shook hands, v e r y slowly. It formed another scene almost instantly, Hermione crying over the cauldron, and Malfoy pointedly ignoring her. Hurridly it switched to the both of them cutting up ingrediants at the same desk, and labelling them neatly. Then research in the library; the cauldron exploding and more tears; a base potion of sky blue and the cheers and jubilant expressions as they hugged each other; ; an experiment on a rat; more research; writing essays together; Waving bottles at each other and both rubbing their arms; owls with the magical extracts; the final potion; laughing and talking; the rats again; profesor Snape discussing things with them; and then the real Snape hurridly removed his wand, leaving one clear picture lingerin in the air.

It was of Hermione, with Draco Malfoy's arms wrapped around her in a hug as she cried with sheer abandon. The edges were tinted with green – the colour of jealousy. 

All three gazed at the picture with mixed emotions, Hermione remembering, Draco nervous and Snape growing steadily more angry.

"Are you satisfied you sex deprived lunatic?" he hissed at last at Macgonogall, and turned to sweep out of the hall, leaving his pupils behind. Glancing at each other, Hermione and Draco exchanged wide eyed glances and frowns. Macgonogall had sat down, and appeared to be crying. Harry and Ron were staring at them, unnervingly. 

"Er." Said Hermione. What else was she supposed to say? She had a baby dragon and baby unicorn glaring at her with venom, a head of house crying, an extrememly grumpy Snape and helpless Draco on her hands. And no antidote. 

"Miss Granger, if you would kindly pick up that dragon and follow me." Hissed a voice in her ear, and she turned to see Snape standing there, arms akimbo and a slight smile tugging his cheeks, although his eyes were hard and questionning. Draco stood behind him, trying in vain to hold onto a struggling unicorn, and grinning. 

Smiling merrily, she scooped the dragon into her eyes (he flamed slightly) and followed him complacently. 

Snape the Man. Snape the Feeling. Snape the Kind. Snape the Jealous. Snape the Man. _Snape_. 

---------------------------------------------------------------*ö*------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: All characters and scenes that are Harry Potter related belong to Warner Bors. Limited, and mrs J.K Rowling – all utter mayhem and distressed lonny imprisioned characters belong to Pendragon, Of the Round Table and Inkwell.

Author's Note:- Please gimme a review and I'll sing for you! **Laughs nicely **

**S        R**

**N       E**

**A       V**

**P         I**

**E        E**

**          W**

**T**

**H       P**

**E        L**

**          E**

**M      A**

**A       S**

**N       E**

Oh the skill! May I have a _review_ just for that?


	2. Lord Snape The Gentleman

00Snape

Lord Snape the Gentleman 

****

The night was dark, no father was there 

_The child was wet with dew;_

_The mire was deep, and the child did weep,_

_And away the vapour flew_

William Blake 1789

Severus Snape, who had been in, as H. Potter had charmingly put it up in the Gryffindor Comman room, 'a hissy fit from a bastard', was still grumpy at six in the evening. He was currently kicking a very old and very valuable leather and mahogany chair and had his wand out.

"What on _earth_ is wrong with you?" came an amusidly concerned voice from the far corner and he turned, tucking the wand into his pocket grudgingly. The voice owner emerged from the shadowy doorway and came into the dimly lit apartments. "You've been in a mood _all_ day."

The woman who stood in the centre of the flagged stone floor was all soft curves, from her wavey ringleted cinnamon hair with the natural sunkissed tresses of highlights, to the full mouth and round gold eyes. She was wearing robes of a soft honey gold and peering at him with worry evident in her eyes. Severus paused for a second in his vicous game of attack-the-family-heirloom and looked at her with dark eyes. 

"Well?" said the lady, moving forward and dusting her fingers lightly along the top of a small walnut and silver chess board, at which the knight attempted to kiss her thin fingers, and only succeeded in scratching a golden tinted nail. Snape's look softened and he gathered her into his arms. 

The air of victory with which she responded to his lithe body was one of someone who has finally opened a particulary obnoxious nail varnish lid and found it the perfect shade. He began absently plaiting her hair into tiny plaits as she snuggled to him. 

"Are you going to tell me what's upset you?" she asked again, and he smirked slightly. 

"Do you never give up, perefctio?" he said in a sham angry voice and she immediantly scrambled out of his arms and turned to the embers of the fire, tears forming in her eyes. Puzzled by her sudden mood swing, he went cautiously towards her and spoke softly again.

"Whatever is wrong? Please, don't cry." Soothed by his settling words she turned towards him again, sniffed as one does when one is holding back tidalwaves of tears, and nodded. He took her hand and led her over to the leather sofa, where they sat down, side by side, she curled up in his chest. 

"Why were you crying?" he asked again, some secobnds alter when he had finsihed trilling kisses all over her face and kissing away the tears in the corners of her eyes.

"Just moodswings." She answered absently, staring at the floor. Severus sighed, he would never understand this female complaints.

"Would you like anything to eat?" he asked, ever the gentleman.

"Uh, bannana icecream." She muttered, going slightly pink.

"_Bannana icecream_?" he said, amazed and slightly unbelieveing. "You hate bannanas and you detest icecream."

"Yeah, well. You hate children and carry on teaching." She almost shouted defensively.

"Fine, fine. Calm down." He said, almost wanting to run away from the madwoman who generally lived in his rooms. She burst into noisy tears. Gingerly, he wrapped an arm around her and she relaxed into his like a sack of griffin livers. 

"I'm s sorry." She stammered at last, looking up at him with red eyes and nose. "It's been a b-bad day."

"Mine hasn't been excellent either." He muttered, kssing her forehead and she looked at him, concern etched into her teary face. 

"Why?" she said at last, and he sighed, drew out his wand and blasted the chair, glaring imposingly at him from across the room, into cindered logs, neatly waiting to be thrown into the fireplace. 

"My _father_," he said father in such a disgusted tone of voice she was sure he was about to be sick, "returned today. Do you know what it's like being the petted and loved only child for nine years of the most beautiful woman you had ever seen, and then having it wrenched away from you with one bloody wand?"

The lady didn't say anything, and Severus went on, bitterly. 

"He killed her you know, in front of me. She wanted to keep me with her, and he wanted me to be taken away and be given 'drilling' in the dark arts. They didn't even argue, he just killed her. I was in the chair by the window and I saw it all. He hadn't been around for nine years and eight months, since I was conceived. He had no intrests in me, always away on business trips. He lived with Voldemort, he was his right hand man. Until someone told him his son was showing exceptional talent in the field of potions, when he decided he wanted me. _Bastard_."

He summoned a photograph from somewhere, of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was tall and slender, with long black hair and black eyes, clearly his mother. Her nose, though, was small and pert, and she was smiling slightly as a blur sped into the frame and hugged her, leaping around.

"And then he sent me here, with enough money to buy the place. Somewhat like Malfoy junior, but about three times as rich." He gave a short sardopnic laugh. "And seven times more obnoxious."

"I love you, Severus Snape, and don't you forget it." She said, jumped up and ran for the door, slamming it behind her as she ran away, tears streaming down her face and one hand clutched desperately over her mouth.

Snape meanwhile, smiled slightly, and went back to destroying furniture. The stone gargoyle was first.

_You act like you never had love_

_And you want me to go without._

Well, it's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light. U2 

"Good Merlin, miss Granger!" came the startled explanation of the fat lady (who was guiltily holding a can of Slimming Weight Watchers Milkshakes and sneakily drinking it.)

"Barbarian!" said the girl, wand clasped in her hand and sped into the comman room, which was virtually deserted.

"Anyhoo," began a voice of a Weasley from the far corner, "The bastard gave me detention! Detention! Ooph!" He had said ooph because Hermione had just sunk down on top of him accidentally, leaping up as if she had been electrocated. 

"Blimey, Mione," began Dean, moving over to give her some room next to Ginny Weasley, "Got some dirt in your eyes?"

"Do leave me alone!" she snapped and buried her head in Ginny's shoulder, beginning to cry. 

"What's wrong, Hermione?" asked Harry Potter, placing a claw cautiously on her back. She shrieked as the flame tickled the back of her neck, and surveyed the unicorn and dragon before her triumphantly. 

"Nothing." She mumbled at last. "I think I'll go to bed."

"Did you find the cure yet?" shrieked the pink unicorn, who was now sprouting teenage fluff, 

"Antidote! No!" she shrieked, "The greasy git wasn't there." Ginny gave her a rather strange look as she said that, and gave the moving portrait an even stranger glance. 

"Hey, Hermione," she said in a frutative whisper, "Is the fat lady on a diet?"

"Fat…Fat…Fat." Mumbled Hermione frantically, slightly delusionly, and was saved by her headgirl badge spinning off her robes and turning into an image of Draco Malfoy's head in front of her.

"Granger!" he barked, and turned to look around him, distracted by the shrieks. "Eugh, the red!"

"Enough, Malfoy, what?"

"Looking good Potter!" he winked at the moulting Dragon and chuckled nastily. "Miss Golden Girl, Dumbledore wants us. And Snape."

"Now?" she murmered, glancing warily at him, "I can't…I'll get fat…"

"What the hell? Granger, get into the headmaster's office now, you klutz! The walk'll help you loose weight." He smirked at her and winked suddenly at Parvati who swooned. 

"No it won't. The weight! The weight! Will I ever get these weight stains off my middle!" she sobbed thatrically, and Draco rolled his eyes and materialised with a little pop where the bedge had been. The badge returned to her robes and he seized her by the arm and marched off with her, leaving the Gryffindors sharing puzzled, worried and angry looks.

"The weight…The fat…" they heard Hermione mutter as she was dragged off. Draco was sighing heavily.

**Author's Notes:**

Sorry for the deranged ending. It ran away from me…and apparantly to lady Macbeth…

Thankyou so much for all the lovely reviews which materialised in my inbox. May I have some more? I will attempt to answer the critically dangerous-for-my-brain type questions also supplied.

1. _Is that the end?_ Noooo. I have another three chapters to write, and then you have the chance to influence whether I write you a sequel or not. 

_2. __ Why did the last picture go green? _The joining of wands involves a spell, known in Moland as Memoria, which can only take place when all wand joiners are willing to divulge the memories. The genius of this is that the memories shown can only be those within the last two months and involving both or all the wand bearers in the joining. I.e when Hermione, Draco and professor Snape join wands and the incantation is said the memories shown must involve all three of them. Most of the time Snape is merely a spectator. Thus, when Draco is holding a sobbing Hermione, Severus must be in some way involved. Because he took his wand away as the picture was forming, he left behind a residual of his feelings. Green, as we all know, is the colour of jealousy, so he was jealous.__

3. Special thanks to:-

Tammy C
    
    Katie()

Tessa()

Walking Enigma

The-Rouge-Thorn

sweetAngel2592

who reviewed me within a day of this going up!__


	3. Severus The Lover

00Snape

Severus The Lover

****

"Hermione?" a male voice came from the region of her neck, and the Gryffindor turned over partialy.

"Mmmm?" she murmered, kissing the fingers that snaked around her face, running long digits over her cheekbones and through her cinnamon tresses. 

"I love you." The voice said, and she smiled, lips unders his palm.

"I love you too." She answered lazily, and kissed his hand as he began to kiss and knead her naked back. 

"You're tense." He stated, and she widened her eyes in mild surprise.

"You're beautiful, but I don't complain." She answered, smirking slightly, and he pinched her gently in return. She rolled over onto her back, trapping his hand under her neck, and leaving him half sitting up over her as she began to kiss his chest. 

"You little minx." He snarled happily, kissing her exposed face and down her neck. Hermione smiled and tugged the silk sheets up around her body, smiling at the black look in his eyes. 

"Hmmph." He muttered, freeing his arm and laying kisses across the crown of her wavey and curly hair. 

"Disappointed?" she purred.

"No." he answered, tugging the sheets away quickly to expose her, and kissing her hard on the mouth. 

"You…!" she excalimed, shivering when he released her, and rolled slowly off the large bed. Her feet slipped naturally into the curled toe slippers at the side of the bed, and she picked up a silver backed brush off the bedside table where it sat. Releasing her hair from the plait it was in, she shook it out and allowed the man to tug the ends before tapping him gently with the brush and brushing it out and back into loose bun, tendrils of hair curling over her face. 

"Whatever are you doing?" he asked as she stood up, naked, and began to pad over the end of the bed where a silk dressing gown lay discarded. 

"I have to go back up." She answered absently. 

"Why? Today is Sunday? No lessons." He sounded vaguely peeved as he sat up and began a similar robing process. 

"I have to see someone." She murmered, and he frowned.

"Malfoy?" he sounded slightly jealous, and she smiled.

"Yes, but not just Malfoy." He turned away, clearly in some sort of minor huff and she came over and threw her arms around his lean form, trailing kisses over his neck as he shivered in anticipation. "Malfoy's just a good friend." She said, and lowered her voice, "Whereas you, O magnificant one, are a lover. Why would I swap Malfoy for you?"

As he opened his mouth to answer, she kissed him for a long time, employing her tongue frrely, and then vanished from the room via the oaken door like a will-o-wisp.

Meanwhile, the roaring fireplace had begun to turn green, and then man went over, wrapping the robe more firmly around himself, and pulling on a pair of black silk boxers. The fire spat afew times and then Dumbledore's head appeared, smiling broadly.

"Can you come upto my room please?" he requested, and the man nodded curtly. Dumbledore began to disappear and soon only a disembodied voice was heard.

"Nice to see you using your manor, Severus."

"Not so nice to see your head in my fireplace!" exploded Severus Snape angrily. 

-*ö*-

"Hermione?" came a rather dazed and slightly incomprehensible voice from the deep recesses of the mountainous gold and marroon chairs by the gryffindor fireplace. Hermione Granger, sneaking into her room at nine o'clock in a dark green silk revealing dressing-gown and silver slippers with nothing on underneath froze, squeked. 

"Eeep!" was what she said. Harry Potter, in a terry towelling gown staggered up from his armchair and peered at her with bleary eyes. Ronald Weasley emerged from the opposite chair dressed in a pair of tracksuit bottoms and a loose white T-shirt with a distinctly awake expression on his freckly face. 

"What on earth are you wearing?" he squeled, one eye closed as he attempted to annalysis the gown without seeing anything he didn't feel was needed. 

"Er." Was Hermione's coherant answer, and even Harry seemed to notice the slits up the side and the distinctly see through appearance, and the embroidery over certain places in silver.

"Where on earth have you been?" he demanded, almost closing his eyes but deciding against it. 

"Uh."

"Where have you been!" screeched Ron. "Have you been with a boy?!"

"Nah," muttered Hermione sarcastically, "_He_ was a woman."

"Eeeeeeeeeeek!" came the reply and Ron and Harry glanced at each other before backing away slowly. 

"What? You guys are gay, face it." Hermione sounded peeved. 

"Yeah, but you're, like, like, Hermione."

"Look, you utter poufs," snarled their friend, "I was with a man."

"Is that any better, Harry?" asked Ron.

"No, Ron, I don't think it is, Ron." 

"What's with the names?" asked Hermione. 

"Uh, they sound like, sorta, mafia?" Harry sounded hopefull, and Hermione snorted with laughter.

"Yeah, yeah." She began to edge towards  the staircase but Harry, still half asleep, moved to block her easily. She half cursed under her breath. 

_The badge upstairs in her room began to vibrate, very slowly, towards the inkstand on her desk._

"Who were you with? We're gonna gun 'is guts out." Snarled Ron.

"Uh, I really don't think you could." The girl replied stalling for time. 

"Is 'e older than us?"

"Ron, you prick, we're seventh year. He couldn't be older than us." Harry sounded peeved, and glared at his boyfriend. 

"Bad vibes, you two, bad vibes." Said Hermione, beginning to edge towards the stairs again, realising no help was forthcoming because this was an occasion for last minute shopping in Hogsmede. Harry moved rather quickly; grasping her arms and forcing her down into an armchair.

_The badge, in it's vibrating, had knocked agaist a pile of books, pulling the inkstand and parchment with it as it went._

"Who is he? And why didn't you tell us?" he said angrily. 

"Uh,"

"You didn't even tell us about working with Malfoy!" exclaimed Ron, looming over her as she picked at the silver rose embroidery.

"Malfoy!" shouted Harry loudly, "It's Malfoy!"

_The books, around seven texts, were teetering on the brink of the desk, almost ready to fall to gravity's charms._

"Ha!" exclaimed Hermione. "Draco is my chum, not my sex partner!" Both boys shuddered. "What?"

"The thought of our little Mione sleeping with a man!" exclaimed Ron, "Is hideous!"

"Thanks." She said, getting up and pushing them out of the way.

_The books toppled with an enormous crash onto the floor above them, and almost instantly ink began to fall through the ceiling in droplets. The badge, still vibrating, sat atop the mess._

"What was that?" jumped Ron, and Hermione watched as the comman room door swung open.

"Perfectio?" came a husky voice, and she smiled, ignoring her friends, who were looking terrified as the ink dropped atop their heads.

"Mmmmm, my love?" she answered, and the portrait swung open and her lover entered, dressed in black high neck robes. He smiled at her, and they embraced. Harry and Ron glanced at each other, then at Snape and –

"YYYYEEEEOOOOW!" howled Ron, dropping to the ground in a dead faint. Snape jumped violently, and swung around, only to find Harry Potter rocking gently on his feet, sucking his thumbs.

"Oh." Was all he could say. 

"Leave them here. Draco and I can take them back upto the Hospital Wing when we go."

"Draco's outside." Said Snape, looking at her strangely. "Why do you have to go to the hospital wing?"

Hermione teared up instantly and began gently pushing him out of the door, grabbing Draco by the arm and yanking him in as she shut the door.

Thus, Severus Snape was left at the base of the Gryffindor Tower, alone, with a great many unanswered questions, a burning hatred for Draco, and the thought of having to obliviate Potter and Weasley. Of course, he was fairly happy about that…

Author's Note: I'm so happy! Well, kinda. Thankye kindly for your nice reviews. I've had one repetative question over the reviwes which is 'what the fuck are you going on about? I don't get you.' So, here goes:

There are five chapters in this ficlet, some longer than long. Each deals with a different element of Severus Snape:

1. Snape the Man – this deals with the occupational greasy git side of Snape and his subject of potions. 

2. Lord Snape the Gentleman – dealing with his role as a womanizing gentleman, and his childhood. 

3. Severus the Lover – doesn't that explain itslef?

4. Sev The Expectant – yet to be published. Future hopes and traumatic experiances…

5. 00Snape the Spy – His role in the war, as a spy and a soldier. 

The sixth chapter isn't really a chapter, merely entitled: Sev and his sequal. That's upto you, my readers to decide if you want a sequel. 

Thankyou to:-

Green Sea Turtle

MadAboutHarry

Walking Enigma

Who reviewed me. 

Hope I helped!

P.s. I don't own Scarhead. I wish I owned Sev.


	4. Sev The Expectant

00Snape

Sev The Expectant

"Draco!" was all Hermione could say as she launched herself into his arms and began to sob hysterically. The blonde boy could do nothing but rub comforting circles into her back and make strange hissing noises of comfort. Well, he was a Slytherin. 

"Bee! Bee!" came a hysterical sound from behind Hermione, where Harry Potter was hopping round in circles, making gleeful exclamations at the sight of a rather large bumbelbee which had flown in at the window. "Bzzzz!" He began to flap his arms rather quickly and zoom around the room, chasing and mimicking the bee. 

"Harry!" came the explosion from Hermione, as she watched in horror. The shout made him turn, and he spotted Draco.

"Oooooh. Pwetty." He said, and crawled towards them on hands and knees, staring at Draco as one would stare at a rather juicy slab of Belgium chocolate, or The Rolling Stones when they turn up on your doorstep and serenade you. 

"Hermione!?" said Draco, in a rather paniced tone of voice, "Is that Potter?"

"Powwer!" shouted Harry triumphantly, and latched himself onto Draco's leg. "Me Hawwy."

"Harry, darling, leave Draco alone. Come to aunty Mimi." The look on harry's face was one of such horror and pain that Hermione carefully squatted down next to him and attempted to prise him off Draco's leg. Harry burst into tears, fell backwards and raised his arms beseechingly to Draco, screaming. 

"What on earth!?" shouted Draco over the din, and pulled Hermione to her feet. 

"The shock, it sent him over the edge." Explained the girl, massaging the small of her back, and tugging out her wand from the back pocket where it sat. "Clofesio elle mione!" she whispered, and the gown smoothly changed from the illustrious gift of her lover to a pair of hip hugging jeans and a blue T-shirt. 

"Right, lets go." Draco said, ignoring Harry, who was still sobbing. 

"Look, we can't just leave them here." Pointed out the girl rationaly, and leviated Ron into the air, Draco sighed. "You take Harry. Hold his hand or he'll escape."

"What!" screamed Draco, giving Harry a dirty look. Seeing the utter dejection on his friend's face, he reluctantly transfigured a small red cushion into a large red lollipop and held it out to the large baby in front of him. Harry beamed, and crawled forward. "Ergh."

"Dwaco!" 

With Harry trotting happily at his heels, in baby reigns and Ronald Weasley floating in front of him held by Hermione, Draco and Co. wearily set off for the hospital wing, praying earnestly that he would meet no-one. 

-*ö*-

"What on earth!" was Madame Promfreys exclamation when they arrived. "Hermione! What happened!"

Hermione wearily laid Ron down on a bed and Mme. Promfrey began fussing over him. Harry meanwhile, was attempting to climb Draco to reach his hair, while Draco was fending him off. Madame Promfrey, although a bit bossy, was also pragmatic, and summoned a large baby den, popping Harry firmly into it and latching the door. Harry began to cry fitfully until she pressed a Draco Doll she had just transfigured in with him, whereupon he began chewing the animated Draco's ear. 

The real Draco, watching in disgust, turned to Hermione and whispered, 

"I am never having children." Hermione smirked and laughed, a strange I'm-trying-not-to-bawl-my-eyes-out laugh. Draco comfortingly hugged her, while Mme Promfrey attempted to enervate Ron. Finally, after the seventh attempt, she attatched a mass of beeping wires around him and began herding Draco and Hermione into her office, where Draco sat down in a leather chair and picked up the copy of 'Quidditch Daily'.

Mme Promfrey meanwhile was talking to Hermione, who had clearly released some charms, as her flat stomach bulged out just slightly. 

"Good girl. I wish you didn't have to use those."

"I have to Madame." Hermione answered tiridly, leaning against the recliner summoned up for her. A few rather complicated spells later and Mme Promfrey was smiling happily. Hermione was not, she looked exhausted. 

"Did you sleep last night, girl?" the medi-witch asked suddenly, rustling in her desk drawers. Hermione blushed and mumbled something. 

"I think I'm glad I didn't hear that." Draco, who was looking revolted, added darkly,

"I wish I hadn't." Hermione went almost purple. 

"Uhm, anything to do?" she asked hurridly, and Mme Promfrey held up a large bottle of something dark and heady. 

"Drink some every night." She passed her the bottle, and jumped when someone barked from outside. 

"_Poppy_!" came the summons, and Hermione almost dived across the room towards the window. Luckily, Draco caught her and handed her the wand he had been holding for her. 

"The spells." He hissed, and she nodded, wide eyed.

"Totalus secretis abholus." She muttered, and the teeny bump flattened as if it had been squashed by her books. Then she whispered at Draco, "Why are we here?"

"Potter and weasley!" he excalimed, as the door was almost blasted off it's hinges by someone who was very angry.  

"_Poppy_!" snarled Severus Snape, holding his arm awkwardly. "Hermione?" he sounded terribly starled, and Hermione moved ever so discreetly behind Draco suddenly. 

"Master Malfoy, you are wante by Dumbledore. Miss Granger, what on earth are you doing here?" he sounded angry now, and Draco made to stay, but was almost knocked out of the way as professor Snape seized Hermione by the upper arma and marched her out of the room.

Half running to keep up with her lover, Hermione was pulled through the castle until she was yanked through a small stone passage way and fell. 

"Severus!" she exclaimed, as he promptley picked her up and carried on marching until they reached another stone corridor and a stone snake. 

"My only love springeth from my only hate." He quoted and marched into his chambers, flinging floo powder onto the fireplace there and shouting out 'Snape Castle!'- hurtling both himself and his girlfriend through the floo network to end up in their room.

-*ö*-

"Sevrus, please put me down." Hermione requested weakly and he sat down, her still posessivley in his arms, on the silken bed. Tiredly she let her head nestle against his shoulder. 

"What's wrong, my love?" asked Severus, suddenly concerned by her wane face. She smiled. Hurrdily he shouted imperiously downstairs, 

"Water!" and within seconds a small house-elf had appeared, holding an ornate caraf and two long stemmed glasses. Severus nodded, took the drinks and pured her some. "Drink that." He commanded, and she oblidged. Suddenly she turned slightly green and belted for the door leading through to the bathroom. 

"Hermione!?" exclaimed Snape and raced after her, only to find her retching into the toilet. Carefully he drew her hair back from her face and stroked her cheeks as she clambered wearily to her feet again.

"Here, drink this." He handed her a glass of water and she rinsed and then drank. "What's wrong?" 

Hermione leant against him as she staggered back to the bedroom and lay down again. Waving her wand breifly, she changed her T shirt and cleared up the aura of I've-just-puked surrounding her. Snape, noticing her teary eyes gathered her into his arms and set about kissing her better. 

"Do you want anything?" he asked at last, setting her down gently and covering her bare feet with a black silk sheet and propping her up against his headboard with pillows. She began to sob slightly. 

"A banana milkshake would be nice." She said sniffily, and he sighed and conjured one up for her, lying down on the bed next to her and wrapping his arms around her stomach. With a startled cry he lept backwards, holding the arm he had been holding when Promfrey had shooed them out from her office.

"What's wrong?" she asked, and he moved towards her again. He looked puzzled.

"Have you got charms up?" he asked, and she nodded meekly. He scowled softly and rolled his sleeve up, revealing a perfectly bare left forearm. 

"The Totalus secretis abholus spell." She gasped. "That's how you keep it hidden."

"Mm, yes." He answered briefly, rolling his sleeve down again. "You have one up as well." Hermione's eyes widened and she realised that the spells had come into contact with each other, causing a shock to be experianced by the weaker secret. 

They sat in silence for a moment, holding each other carefully, and then Severus spoke again. 

"What's your's?" he asked quietly, and she gulped. "Did you get a piercing or something?"

"Nooo." She said slowly, almost unwillingly. 

"What then?" he sounded quite jokey, "Put on some weight? I won't mind."

"Oh you will." She whispered bitterly. "Because it will be more than just a bit."

"Oh Hermione, I love you, you silly witch. I shan't mind." She couldn't understand why he was so happy. 

"Then we both release them together." She said, after he had pleaded with her for some twenty minutes. 

"You don't want to see my mark." He shuddered, and she gave him a challenging glare.

"You won't want to see this." She said. And he nodded his head as they drew their wands out.

And removed them.

Severus had been right, she hadn't wanted to see that, that tattoo. She almost retched, but held her food in as her stomch bulged out slightly more. Severus still had that slightly blanc, hopeful, carefully sculpted look on his face and Hermione sighed. 

"I don't understand Hermione." He said at last, slowly, and she began to cry slightly. 

"I'm rather surprised you haven't." she answered, evading his out reaching arms. "It all adds upto one thing, Sev, the sickness, the weight gainage, the horrid emotion swings, the dependancy on Draco, even the regular visits to the hospital wing. Even the cravings for those putrid bananas!"

There was a silence, and then Sev spoke.

"I'm not sure I und-" he began, and she turned to him, eyes blazing.

"Fine! I'm pregant; preggers; with child; indisposed; _knocked_ _up_ even! Whatever you think diguses it most you can say!" and then she broke down into torrents of tears, cuddeled up on the bed, one hand desperately clutching the black silk bedsheets. 

Severus sat, in total silence until Hermione turned over and looked at him, some five minutes later. She _had_ been expecting to be pushed off the bed and out of the room, or to be cuddled and told everything would be all right, but not this silence. It mystified her, until she noticed his pupils were not visiable and his eyes were rolled up into his head. Lord Severus Snape, feared potions master of Hogwarts, reformed deatheater, lover;: ex-lover Hermione, she reminded herself bitterly, of Hermione Granger and ruler of three estates and seven full Gringotts accounts, had _fainted_.

Sighing, his pregnant girlfriend heaved herself dramatically from his side, and stalked over to the fireplace. 

"Headboy's rooms!" she cried and flung herself into the green flames. 

Draco was sitting on his bed, apparantly disgusted by a drooling Harry Potter who was lying fawningly over his knees. He looked up startled when she arrived, dry eyed and unscathed. He had had the sneaky suspicion his godfather would whack her one in puzzlement, and was rather surprised to see her with the charm off and no tears spilling down her face. 

"I told him!" she announced, and Harry cocked his head appealingly. "I told him I was knocked up!"

Draco, just about to say something was distracted by a horrendous banshee like shriek as Harry Potter dropped into his lap unconcious. 

"Like that?" groaned the Slytherin, pushing the wonderboy off his bed. 

"I gave him a choice of words and phrases." She said calmly. 

"What did he do? Where is he?" asked Draco frantically, worried his potions teacher would burst in at any moment threatening to avada kedara him for being in the same _room_ as his loved one.

"He fainted. I left him on the bed." She said, a ghost of a smile forming on her lips. "You can go and get him while I take Harry to the hospital wing."

Draco threw back his head and laughed. And then, because it is very awkward to laugh when ones head is tilted at an ungodly angle, pushed his head forward and laughed properly. 

"No, seriously, what did he do?"

Hermione looked startled, and told him quite seriously. 

"I left him unconcious on the bed. Just leave him there." And then glided serenely out of the room, a leviating Harry behind her, in the direction of the hospital wing and madame Promfrey. 

Leaving Draco Malfoy to hurridly look up self-preservation spells to use against his furious god father, who was lying unconcious in his manor. 

**_Author's Note_**: That went better than I expected. It worked! I tried out all these tragic scenes, ('Severus, I'm pregnant!' 'Look, you asshole, I indisposed! Help!') and none worked, so I just went for humor! I read this thing today where it said 'There must be a direction to the storyline if there is to be a good tale' and I realised I have no direction. Please reassure me that this is worth doing! **Sobs** I'm not posting again until I get another five reviews. Please. 

Thanks to:-

_Walking Enigma_ – Thankyou so much for putting me one your favourites list, I'm really happy! **jumps around** And for your most recent review. Grrrrr. Back away from the Severus. Mine! Mine! 

_Mickat_ – Er, you do know there was another chapter after that, right? Thankyou for your review, and the second chapter seems to be confusing a great many people. All will become clear…

_MadAboutHarry_ – I don't think I'll end up anywhere. But never mind. That's half the fun of fanfiction.


	5. 00Snape The Spy

00Snape

**00Snape The Spy**

_Carry on, Carry on as if nothing really_

_Matters,_

_Too late, my time has come,_

_Send shivers down my spine, body's_

_Aching all the time._

_Goodbye, ev'rybody, I've got to go,_

_Gotta leave you all behind and face_

_The truth._

_Bohemian Rhapsody _by Queen

Severus Snape stmubled out of bed to the tumultous ringing of bells and knocking of doors early on a fine morning, two days after the final NEWTs had been completed. Hermione, who was curled up underneath the black silk covers, snuggled closer to where his body had lain in an attempt to reclaim the lost warmth. 

"Snape!" came a hollor from beyond the door as he calmly wrapped himself in a black silk house robe. The urgency of the voice was not lost on Hermione, who tensed and sat up. Snape opened the bedroom door to an anxious Sirius Black. Just as he was about to enquire why the overgrown mongrel was in his manor, Sirius interrupted.

"Snape, you have to come to Hogwarts immediantly. He-who-must-not-be-named will be attacking some time today. Malfoy apparated today to warn us and Dumbeldore sent me to fetch you!"

"Fine, give me twenty minutes." He snapped, and slammed the door. A sudden thought struck him and he re-opened it. "Are all my Slytherin sixth years present and correct?"

"Except Malfoy and Zabini." Answered Sirius, "Minerva's the only one missing a student. Hermione's vanished. Harry and Ron are-"

"I do not need to know what Potter and Weasley are winging about now. I am sure miss Granger will appear soon."

"Unfeeling bastard." Muttered Sirius as the door was slammed in his face again.

Meanwhile, Severus had moved back to the bed again and was gathering a crying Hermione and bump into his arms. Her face was shocked and unbeleiveing and she clung to him without speaking.

"Perfectio, we have to go back." He said unwillingly, holding her tightly with one hand over the bump that was their child. 

"Please Severus, no." she whispered, burying her face into his chest. "I don't want you to leave."

"Hermione, I have to. I will be summoned to play my part and I must. It is my duty."

"It is not your duty!" she cried earnestly, looking up at him with eyes red from weeping. 

"It is my duty to those I murdered." He replied stubburnly, attempting to ignore the part of his heart which screamed to stay with her. 

"It is your duty to stay with us." She exclaimed, pressing his delicate hands to hers over the child. He fell silent and kissed her strongly. 

"Hermione," he began, "Please, do not make this even more difficult. I promise you, if I could make it different I would."

"But you can't. I am sorry to be so selfish." Said Hermione heroically, and he almost cried. Instead he cursed the fates that had forced him to be torn from his lover and unborn child. They sat in silence for a moment, and then Hermione kissed him again and stroked his face tenderly. 

"Come, perfectio." He whispered, and stood up, pulling her gently to her unsteady feet. Passing her the muggle jeans and strappy vest, he tugged on his own black deatheater robes and slipped the mask into his pocket. She was changed and ready by the time he returned from the kitchens, commanding the ten house elves to take care of Hermione and his estates. 

Her hair was tied in a french plair, and she had cast the secret keeping spell on herself again. He sighed and took her in his arms.

"Will you remove that charm? For me?" he whispered and she didn't even hesitate, emrely removed it and allowed the teeny bulge to appear slightly. Then they stepped together through the green fire, into Hogwarts again.

Severus' chambers were deserted as usual. No Albus haunted them, no Minerva tutted outside them. In fact, the pair managed to make a clean getaway to the point of the end of the Gryffindor tower corridor where distraught screaming was heard. Hermione reached into him for reassurance, and he kissed her briefly before a red faced, puffy professor Macgonogall came flying round the corner and almost skidded to a stop in front of them, Sirius Black close behind.

"Hermione!" exclaimed her professor, and drew her into a hug. A few seconds later, after making choking noises she was handed briskly over to Sirius, who smiled at her and kept a rather tight hold on her upper arm. Macgonogall turned to Snape.

"Why on earth were you at your manor!?" she hissed, and he scowled.

"My business is my own. Perhaps I was making my will." He said, and Hermione let out a little gasp that her gaurder failed to notice. 

"Miss Granger, where were you?" her professor rounded on her favourite student. 

"Uh," Hermione wasstumped, and glanced at her lover.

"Miss Granger was attempting to find mr Malfoy's snake. She was lurking in the dungeons." Snapped Snape, and Hermione was hauled off.

"Be careful with her!" snarled Snape after them, and Sirius, so astounded, released his hold on her arm slightly, and took her hand, dragging her along. Hermione placed a hand on her stomach as she looked back at Severus. He was staring after them, with sadness in his onyx eyes.

It was dinner that evening when the team of aurors that Snape was supposed to take to form the first wave of the battle trudged wearily into Hogwarts and upto the Great Hall.

Severus was discretely watching Hermione, who was toying with her vegetable lasagne and seasoned chips. He himself had already eaten three helpings, and most of the school were half way through their chocolate sundaes. She was watching him anxiously under lowered lids, while Harry and Ron watched her and attempted to persuade her to eat something. 

"Commander Snape?" came a voice from the wide doorways, and silence fell. Maybe twenty aurors stood there, an unspeakable at their head, identified by his red lined robes. 

Dumbeldore and Snape stood, and made their way towards the aurors, some of whom were watching the pupils with concern in their eyes. Snape nodded his head once, and the ranks split to allow him to travel through. 

Suddenly there was a loud clatter, and two shrill male squeks of surprise. Hermione Granger had thrown her eating impliments down into the table, sent her chair spinning backwards, shaken the hindering hands of her friends off her robes and them off the bench, and was standing, watching the transaction. 

"Are you going with them?" she whispered at last, tears rolled down her cheeks. 

"You know I must." He answered and she hurridly shook off Ginny Weasley's kind arm and almost ran across the hall to him, stopping just in front of him.

"Please." Was all she could say around her tears, "Promise me you'll come back."

"I promise." He answered heavily, and she cried even harder, almost hiccuping now. He could bear it no longer and chose to ignore the entire school and his employer standing a mere foot away from him. He gathered her into his arms, folding her deep within his cloak and kissing her face lightly, as if to take the wetness there away. She wrapped her arms around him and sobbed into his shoulder. 

"And now you must promise me something." He whispered softly so no one but her could hear. "Promise me to stay away from the battle. Stay with madame Promfrey and Prince in the medical wing."

She hesitated for a second but then nodded against his shoulder. 

"I love you." He whsipered softly, and released her. 

"I love you too." She replied, ignoring the gasps around her and kissing him once more on his lips. 

Without loosing her eye contact he signaled for his team to move out and placed one last, lingering kiss on her cold lips before leaving for the final battle.

-*ö*-

Dundundun…No, I'm not that cruel. There's more.

-*ö*-

Hermione Granger sank into a forgiving hideous purple suede armchair in Madame Promfrey's office, exhausted, flapping her plain white robe around in an effort to forget about what was happening _out there_. The robes themselves were fine, layered with enough cleaning spells to kill millions of microbes and bucketfuls of blood. They were just a different kind of uniform to the one she was used to, and thus were slightly uncomfortable. 

She really had no clue why she was so tired, the hospital wing had been extended along four corridors and two levels to form a mydrad of narrowly spaced beds and neatly made up white linen, with each bedside cabinate equipped with a vial of dreamless sleep potion and anti pain tablets. She had no idea of how long Severus must have had to labour to equip the wing with all of these.

Severus…Merlin above, she hoped he was safe. Well, alive would be enough. Injured wouldn't be too bad because then he would have to come back here. Suddenly a bell began clanging urgently throughout the school, and she jumped to her feet, racing out of the room and overtaking madame Promfrey and madame Prince and their three hufflepuff fifth years there for menail tasks. 

Running flat out down three flights of stairs (some genius had decided to put the medical staff room on the fifth floor) she skidded to a stop on a balcony above the entrance hall.

Assembled there were almost fifty aurors, grim faced and organised into lines of ten each with a commander at their head. Between these lines were Hogwarts students, sixth and seventh years from all houses, looking pale and terrified. Most of the Hogwarts teachers had already taken their places within the barricaded 'safe' rooms, made mainly of the four now linked comman rooms and the staff room and kitchens. Some, like Macgonogall and Flitwick, stood holding their wands next to Albus Dumledore and worrying about the remaining five years deemed too young to fight. 

Hermione searched desperately for the line of red she knew was Gryffindor and found it with some difficult. Ron was pale underneath his freckles and Harry looked far too determined for her liking. Saemus and Dean were whispering to their girlfriends, Parvati and Lavender, while Neville looked almost scarily cheerful. Ginny had Harry's hand clutched in hers, and Ron was looking at Luna Lovegood with worry evident in his eyes even from here. (The girl in question was absently picking the flowers from her loose bun) Both boys were looking around for her, she guessed. 

Ron suddenly saw her and began waving frantically, Harry only joining in a split second later when he identified her. 

"Hermione!" they both shrieked, and she carefully tucked her skirts around her as Dumbledore leviated her down. The stairs had been blocked yesterday as soon as Severus had gone. 

"Thankyou!" she gasped as both boys broke rank and ran at her, desperately hugging her. No one said anything, there was no need for words. Hermione cried, and even Harry and Ron's cheeks were wet with tears (although they would later claim it was sweat in front of Severus). Finally the bell tolled once, and the boys kissed her hastily, assured her of their love and ran back to ranks. 

"If you die I'll kill you!" she shouted after them as the whole army began to move forward, Dumbledore in the lead. 

Most of them smiled, looking back at the castle and the white-clad headgirl waving desperately on the front steps, crying into her head piece and apron, missing the black clad illusive figure of Severus Snape who should have been standing next to her, but was at that moment peering over the edge of a magicly fortified trench missing her desperately. 

Author's Note: Well that's it. **Crys** That ending was kinda sad. And a wee bit cliffhangerish. You now have three choices:

1. I write a sequeal, under a different heading entirely.

2. I write a sequal, under the same title, because I like that title. 

3. I completely abandon the fic because no-one tells me what to do.

[I've actually started the sequel, so it won't take long _if_ you want it…]


	6. Sev and his sequel

**00Snape **

** Sev and The Sequel**

Contains:

1. Professor Snape the Homecomer

2. Commander Snape the Warrior

3. Severus and the Graduatèe

4. Lord Snape the Very, Very Nervous

5. Sev the Nuovo Genitore

Rating of High PG13, due to referances to murder, suicide and sex. Not explicit.

The Sequel to '00Snape' which is pubished in earlier chapters, as an extension to the original works by request.

Penned by Pendragon

All recognised characters and scenarios are the work of J.K Rowling and are published in her 'Harry Potter' series, and all infringement of the above novels is purposeful and recognised and Pendragon fully awknowledges the lack of ownership thereof.

Written in Educated English and all humour is a unique blend of Moness, British and European humour.

Reviews gladly excepted, as are _valid_ Flames.


	7. Professor Snape The Homecomer

00Snape – II

Professor Snape the Homecomer

_Since you left me, I'm so alone  
Now you're coming, you're coming on home  
I'll be good like I know I should  
You're coming home, you're coming home  
So every day we'll be happy I know  
Now I know that you won't leave me no more  
_Extracts from 'Coming Home' the the Beatles

Hermione Granger staggered back to the dungeon rooms late one evening, quite drunk enough to recognise she had not achieved her original aim of forgetting her lover had not returned from the wars with the rest of his platoon and colleagues almost two weeks ago, but not quite drunk enough to block out feelings over this matter. Indeed, she was half crying, half cursing Morganna (whose portrait she had just spat on) for giving her a dead father for her baby. She was crying (and Argus Filch would not be happy to find the damp hallways in the morning) because she had loved him dearly and missed him greatly. 

She was also attempting to chat up the wall she found herself face to eh, wall with a few seconds later. It wasn't even a particulary attractive wall, but was in fact the once intimidating, now comforting, dungeon entrance into the extensive quarters of Severus Snape. Or rather the fireplace to floo to his mansion. 

"Hello wall," she slurred, grinning, "Howssss it going tonigh-hic-t?" the wall didn't answer, but the stone snake opposite did.

"Sssssssshh. Do you vant to vake all zzzze Sssslytherinssss?" it hissed crossly, and she blew it a kiss. If stone could blush, it did. 

"Could you letss me innn?" she tried again. "If I sssay the paffword?" Again the wall didn't answer, and Hermione decided to stop chatting it up, as it was obviously immune to her female traits, and muttered, "My only love doth spring from my only hate."

The wall opened, and later she would hysterically exclaim that it had winked at her, but tonight she just gave it a blank look and sidled through it and into the fireplace with a pinch of floo.

She was probably lucky madame Promfrey had worked out she was going to get sloshed tonight and put charms around the baby, otherwise her partner might have killed her and then mournfully scattered her ashes. 

Toppling head forward onto the bed, she slapped the pillow playfully and curled up into a little ball to snooze the night away. Or what remained of the morning. 

She woke up the next morning when long fingers gently stroked the side of her face and her slippered feet got too warm from being in the sunlight, with a headache that could have killed a small stick of celery and groped for the hangover cure she had placed by her bed in her carefully planned plan. Swigging it back, she rolled onto her back, and subconcisely tugged down the black silk negligee she was wearing. Before sitting bolt upright and screaming very loudly.

There were three men in the bedroom. 

All three were wearing torn black robes, caked in mud and blood, with grass in their hair, and the stale smell only males can produce floating unappeasingly around them. Two of them were grinning broadly, while attempting to stop the escaping chuckles, and the third was watching her with narrowed eyes from benath curtains of black, silky hair. She seized the empty vial and waved it around, clearly attempting to frighten them away. The two men already grinning burst out into guffaws while she clutched her head and moaned slightly.

"Damn man couldn't even brew a damn hangover potion." She muttered. 

"Are you _drunk_?" asked the third man who was sitting on her bed, in the air of one stating the unbelievable. 

"Nooo." Said Hermione, pulling the silk covers up and over her slightly exposed body. "I was last night." She said, brightening. "Actually, you know a drink would be good now_, if I didn't have men in my room_!" 

She scrabbled quickly up towards the head board of the bed, suddenly becoming aware she was in an ideal posistion to be ravaged. 

"If you don't get out now, I'll, I'll set my, uh, _partner_ on you! No wait, he's dead. _Damn_ man." There was a pause while Hermione thought very hard about wether she might actually still be drunk, and realised she probably was. "I'll set my – accio books!- Ha! That showed you!" she gloated.

The books, obedient to her call, had accioed, and slammed into the side of all three men's heads, knocking them from their perches while Hermione made a rather wobbly beeline for the floo fireplace and fell back into Hogwarts. 

 "Professor Dumbeldore! Professor!" she shrieked, running along the corridors on a Saturday morning, while three houses stuck their heads out of their comman rooms, ready to spring to the defence of their headgirl. Gryffindor were all out cold. 

"Ah, good morning Hermione." The cheerful old man had interrupted Hermione in the cries, reassured the valiant prefects who had come to her aid and comforted the girl all in one sentence. "I trust you had a, uh, _romping_ good night?"

"Huh? It would have been alright if I hadn't woken up at seven O'clock this morning, a mere half an hour after I returned from the lets-all-get-drunk party at the tower, to find three _men_ in my bedroom!"

"Oh." Was the Headmasters deflated reply.

"I knocked them out with books, I mean, I didn't know what else to do! It was all terribly stressful…" Dumbeldore, looking rather amused and scandalised, placed a firm hand over her mouth, pointed his wand at her and said,

"Detoxinalchbolete!"

Hermione immediantly felt her head clear slightly, and the memories fade to a slightly purple fuzz. Idily she wondered why they'd been purple, until she realised she was standing in front of her headmaster in a black silk skimpy nightgown, one of Severus' silk sheets and had previously been drunk. Clutching the sheet to her bossoum, she gave him a trembling grin while he roared with laughter. 

"Now, my dear miss Granger," he began again, "You knocked the three men out with books?"

"Er, I suppose I did." Said the Headgirl awkwardly. 

"Ah." He said, realising she was entirely serious. "You see, I truly have no idea what or who they were. You run along to the Gryffindor tower, get something slightly less revealing on and we'll gather some people and see who these men were, eh?"

Hermione promptley bolted, trying deperately to kick herself as she ran. It didn't work very well, so by the time she reached her comman room, persuaded the (drunk) fat lady to open and scrabbled through the long hole, her legs were rather bruised and she was panting. 

Various Gryffindors lay around in states of drunkeness, tpsiness and downright intoxiated, draped over each other, chairs, the fireplaces, windows and the rugs, some moaning slightly as she trod on their heads. Quickly she stripped Lavender of her baby blue hoddie, made it stretchy across the bottom and pulled it on, transforming the nightie into underwear and robbed Ron of his jeans, stretched them across the top and shrugged them on. She had had her eye on them for a while now, with their tattered legs and loose fit, and, while she wasn't pilfering from the dead, nicking 'em while he was in a drunken stupour didn't seem honourable. But never mind. Neither was getting her drunk.

She found Dumbeldore with a group of ten students, five Slytherins and three Ravenclaws, two Hufflepuffs. All with their wands out. Cautiosuly they made their way into the dungeons, where they were met with a silky, grumpy voice.

"Well, that was a nice welcome, old man. I had expected some gratification for managing to return home _alive_ with my spys, but no, I return merely to find Hermione _intoxiated_ and ten of my _students_ pointing their wands at me!"

He carried on mumbling even when the two ther men, rubbing their heads, appeared from the dungeon wall (which Hermione was now eyeing uneasily) and Albus Dumbledore went such a shade of icy white, the Ravenclaws began to chant enervate.

It wasn't Dumbledore they needed those spells for, it was Hermione. With shock she screamed out,

"The wall! It winked at me!" and fainted dead away. 

She woke up fifteen minutes later with a cracking headache, a small lump on her head, a larger lump on her stomach and what appeared to be a highly angry _ghost_ hovering above her. Severus Snape was displeased.

He had struggled through marshland, forest, mountain and wards to reach his beloved, only to find her completely drunk, unrecognising of his beloved appearance and endangering _his_ child. Maybe displeased was too subtle a word. Furious was better.

There was silence, while she eyed him uneasily. 

"Um, I never thought I'd be saying this, ghost-of-Severus, but could you go away? You're scaring me." She babbled rather hurridly, and he stood up straighter. 

"I assure you, I am no ghost!" he snapped angrily, was that the best she could say? 

"Um, you're d e a d." she pointed out, rather rational.

"PEEVES!" roared Severus, "I do not want my body inhabited by _you_!"

Cackling sardonically, the mischevious ghost flew away, singing songs quitely to itself and generally being unobtrusive, yeah, right. 

"Especially not when I'm about to do this…" purred the now ghost-free man, and bent down to kiss her. 

It only took mere milli-seconds for Hermione to realise he was very real, and begin kissing him back. It took a bit longer for her to realise he probably hadn't washed in three weeks, and even longer for it to sink in that she was about to have wild, passionate lova on a rather clinical bed. Having never liked that idea, even when her first boyfriend proposed it, she sat up, smacked heads with him and swung herself off the bed. 

Grabbing him by his ear, and twisting, she marched off, him bent double trotting behind her, much to the hilarity of Malfoy and Zabini who they passed. It is rather difficult to give deathglares when one is practically upside down. 

"You.." she began, and Draco could hear her the whole way down to the dungeons. "Are dispeakable! How dare you, how dare you leave me! You bloody well promised not to die…I don't give a damn, Severus Snape!…And now you will have a bath, because quite frankly you stink…no, I will not be joining you…And no, I don't care if I was drunk…You deserved that book…Yes, yes I do still love you…Severus! Behave! (mumble as password is applied)"

*ö*

Author's Note: Wow! I got, like, eight reviews in the merest of mere twenty one days! Thankyou! That chapter was rather hard to write because I was feeling really sardonic and sarcastic, so I did some strange things, but re-reading I'm okay with that. Sarcasm is good! So know, without further adu, thankyou's to:

_someone28_ – Cheerful? All the good stuff? Bloody hell, you surely know how to make all that stuff hard for me! Who says it's going to get good?! Tt-tt good indeed. Pain is the essence of life, remember that. Nah, I'll do something nice for you! Although I really think that allowing him to leave and not having Hermione cheat on him with the wall was exceptionally nice…Thankyou for your review! 

_Black Crystal Dragon_ – Well, you gave it another chance! I really don't mind that you didn't review the first time – you reviewed this time and that's all that counts! And ja, it did get confusing! It confused me!

_M _– What does the M stand for? Wow, I'm intrigued! Don't forget to put more than M on your exams – you get one percent for that! (seriously) don't waste your time trying to hunt me down, I'm most elusive. And even my teachers tell me that! "(insert me here), you are annoyingly ellusive! Can you not understand I want your homework?!" I gave you another chapter anyway, so turn the fanfic off and do some revision (after you reviewed please!)

_Tammy C_ – Thankyou for the review! I can't remember the options, but thanks anyway!

_Reader_ – Excellent – chronic laziness rules! Yay! Up with the lazy people!  Thanks for your review! I hate finding new fics myslef. Pfaf! The Find thing won't show up my bloody story! The nerve!

_saturngurl123 _– sorry, eventually SS/HG? I was not aware that it wasn't SSHG – but it will get more and more lovey. I will assume from your request for a sequel that you found it acceptable at least! Grins

_LadyTiffany_ – Who told you I was a human?!?! **Laughs** That was a cool review! Perish peacefully please, without sending your ghost to haunt me…I have quite enough chill in the air in my bedroom without wayward ghosts. I have to type to keep my frickin' fingers warm! 

_Squiggle_ – Most of my Snape fics involve Moi, and never get written down! Thanks for your review – I finally finished this chapter!

_MadAboutHarry_ – That sounded dangerous…Suggestions are scary! Stop scaring me! **Grins** Thankye!

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, it was a really nice treat to open my hotmail account and find over twenty emails waiting for me!  _Will Snape survive his bath? Will Hermione manage to graduate? (sorry wrong chapter) Will the sidekicks live?Tune in for the next installation of Dick Barton next week!  _

Sorry, that was very, very English. And very historic. Never mind. Just read and review!


	8. Lord Snape The Commander

00Snape

Lord Snape The Commander

Severus Snape woke up when the sun was sludgily attempting to wriggle through the enormous French windows and pulverize his acheing head. The wind seemed to be in on this assasination plot, because it was blowing all over his naked torso, and if, to crack the nut on it's head, his bedclothes were playing along by lying at the very bottom of the king sized bed where only his feet were covered. 

"Crap." He said rather incomprhensively and rolled over. He was now facing the closed bedroom door and hanging on the very same door, was a nightdress, all silk and lace and not very much of that as it was. 

"Bugger." He said again, and one hand reached down for the blankets to cover his coldness. He never managed to get there because _something_ bounced into his bedroom at that precise moment.

"I should hope not." Came a rather cold voice, "Because if you are you're getting straight out of that bed and going to Sirius."

"Sorry?" answered the befuddled Snape. 

"Well, I'm female and I refuse to undergo a sex change merely so you can bugger a man. I know I should be indulging you, but going three months without any word doesn't do anything for your sympathy vote. So, you can either go to Sirius or give up your buggery…"

"Er, _what_? No, scratch that, don't answer."

"In case you were wondering, and up to preforming your so-scary-and-sexy scowl, I've been fighting off advances all month. I never knew returning soldiers were so horny…"

"Oh, we're very horny…" purred Severus, and stroked the breast that came into view lightly. 

"Good." Hermione said breathlessly, as she began to kiss him. "because I'm bloody well sex-starved."

**"Boing! **

**Boing! **

**Boing! **

**Boing! **

**Boing! **

**Boing! **

**Boing!"**

"Damn!" came the explanation once the bells had finished their pealings, and Hermione Granger clambered off her partner and began to dress herself. 

"We don't _have_ to go to dinner…" purred Severus and she half smiled at him, pulling on a pair of black slacks and a black silk shirt. 

"We have to remember the dead." She replied simply, and whisked the covers away from him. Her hair was loose down her back and she idily fixed a black rose into her hair at the temple while she watched him grouchily struggle into his black robes. She slipped her own summer cloak (gossamer) over her outfit, tucked the wand into its pocket and kissed him before she left the room. 

"Besides," she called, "We've already missed dinner!"

Severus Snape growled. 

The downstairs hall was jam packed full of people/witches/wizards/strage-things-with-multiple-fingers. The students of Hogwarts were dressed neatly in black, no wands visable. Various witches were standing around, one dressed in shocking magneta with a grotesque dragon hide handbag hooked over one be-taloned hand. She cam charging towards the newest member of the hall, Severus Snape, shrieking as she came. Severus Snape was bowled over, and left lying at the feet of the HeadGirl, who was grinning slightly. 

"Hello professor, ms Skeeter." 

"What?!" roared Snape, hauling himself to his feet and being posotively lept upon by the woman again, if that was what one could call Rita Skeeter. 

"Severus, so good to have you back." Beaming jollily, the minister of magic, Cornelius Fudge, bore down upon the trio, Rita was now desperately attempting to find her quick quotes quill. 

"Miss Granger…" Severus was now backing off slightly, and the quick quotes quill hurridly scratched over the page. "What is the meaning of all this."

"The press were notified to your return, sir." She answered, smiling enchantingly,"And now I really have to go." 

And so she slipped away, leaving S. Snape to be devoured by four more mebers of the press, and a paparazzi wielding a large camera like some sort of queen chopping axe. 

"Have a nice evening?" came a silky growl from the direction of the bathroom, and Severus rolled over in his bed. 

"No." he answered sourly, scowling at the outline of the woman being cast over his coverlet. 

"Well, whyever not? Surely the big, bad, Snapey isn't afraid of a leetle beetle?"

"She's a purple beetle, Hermione, and she asked me what colour underwear I wore!" Sev propped himself up on one elbow and watched her wonder across the floor towards him. Her rounded stomach never ceased to amaze him, when he bothered to think about it – normally he was busy thinking about screwing her on his desk or whatnot.

"Did she?" Hermione didn't really sound interested, but he knew her eyes were watching him. 

"Yes, and how often I had sex…"

"To which you replied, not tonight that's for sure." Hermione siad. If Severus had not bee the grand supreme master of Sarcasm he would have been worried. As it was he wasn't. He almost laughed. 

"Well, for a sex starved woman you are restrained." He said, "Unless you've been off shagging Potter…"

"Ewwwwwwww, Sev!" came the disgusted reply, "You've turned me right off."

"Oh." He sounded disappointed, and suddenly Hermione realised how much she had missed him. 

"I love you!" she said impulsively, removing her nightgown and hanging it up over the edge of the bed before clambering in next to him. "And I missed you."

"I missed you too." He whispered, crushing her carefully into his arms and kissing her. Just as she was removing his pyjama bottoms, a strange buzzing, hissing melee of sound filled the chamber. Sevrus seemed to stiffen slightly and then lept up hurridly and began dressing. Hermione, propping herself up on one elbow, watched in mystification.

"What…?" she began, but he was already out of the door, and soon she glimpsed him running hurridly outside the apparation limits. After allowing two tears to slip down her cheeks, she swung her legs out of bed and stood up. The sound had faded somewhat, but she could still see the buzzing thing on his bedside table. 

Unhurried, she slipped on his pyjama bottoms and a large sweater which came down well over her hands, and grasped the what-appeared-to-be-a-stuffed-teddy-but-couldn't-possibly-be-because-it-was-in-Snape's-rooms. There was a horrid tug around her navel, and she was spun backwards and out of control. 

She managed to interrupt a Very Important Meeting With Fudge (also called MIF – Meeting Important Fudge, in the offices).

Landing on your derrniere in front of almost fifteen wizards, the minister for Magic, the minister of Defence, the minister of Attack*, various P A s and your lover is not the socially accepted thing to do in England, and so it was that miss Hermione Granger, Headgirl of Hogwarts and Bright Young Witch of The Century Award Winner blushed a terrible shade of electric pink and began to stutter. For the moment everyone was absolutely silent, and then Fudge bellowed, 

"This is tight security? This is as bloody bad as when Bush visited London, for Merlin's sake!" There was a vein going in his temple as three blonde P A s surrounded him and passed him a glass of water, a signed photograph of himself, and a bunch of grapes. 

Hermione, now staring at the ground, almost grinned, but then remembered she was off Hogwarts grounds and would be in Big Trouble, so she almost began to cry instead. The minister of Defence grasped her by the elbow and hauled her upright, and the minister of Attack passed her a hanky. It had a small gun embroidered in the corner, but she took it anyway, and applied it to her eyes. 

"How did you get here young lady, and who are you?" finally asked the minister of Defence, watching her. Hermione took a deep breath, and while everyone waited for the expected waterworks, began to lie through her backteeth. 

"I was practicing my apparation, sir, and must have miscalculated."

"Can you miscalculate?" asked one of the fifteen wizards, who was dressed in the red robes of an Unspeakable. Snape stepped forward and nodded. 

"You can when using a potion to apparate. Miss Granger is our head girl, and, having jointley discovered the transfigurment potion for magical animals, was working on a apparation potion." He said smoothly, and met her eyes. 

"A potion do you say? Does it stop apparation sickness?" The minister of Attack was looking eager. 

"Ermmm, I'm not quite sure, still in testing stages, you know, might do, send samples…" Hermione began muttering very quickly until Severus put a hand upto stop her. 

"And now I believe it is time for miss Granger to absent herself." It was an obvious hint, but Hermione looked even more paniced. 

"I, uh, can't apparate…" she murmered, watching her toes in shame. 

"But you just did!" said someone number 2 loudly. 

"That was a potion, you jackass!" she snapped, and then burst into noisy tears. 

"Calm down, miss Granger. Just breathe in and out…" Then Hermione did something much, much worse than embarrass herself – she slapped the minister of defence. Being a minister of defence however, he defended himself, and she soon found herself staring in fascination at a melee of sound and fisticuffs after Severus sprang to her defence, the minister of attack sprang to the minister of defence's rescue, and then fourteen of the fifteen wizards dived in to defend Severus. 

While she watched in interested silence apart from the occassional squek of pain for her beloved, her elbow was grasped firmly and she found herself looking into the face of Oliver Wood, auror extoroinare with the legion of Snape, who was grinning. 

"Hey, Mione." He whispered, and held up the strange teddy thing, "Take this and go. I don't know how you managed to get hold of it, and I presume Harry and Ron don't either, so get out of here before you get walloped. Tell Harry I'll see him soon, okey?"

He then pressed the teddy thing into her hand and she was whisked away via portkey, to the relative safetly of Hogwarts, which was not safe because Minerva Macgonogall was fuming upstairs in the Headmaster's office about her favourite student going missing, and she was in for The Big Lecture. But it was safer than being decked by the minister of Defence. Or maybe not…

*Has it never struck you ironical that there is no Minister of Attack?

I am soooooooo sorry I haven't updated for ages! Anyway, here it is, complete and zany! No offence meant to George Bush lovers…I just happen to hate the man. Almost as bad as Cornelius Fudge…'NASAs main concern is till space' pah! 

Review!

Review!

Review!


	9. Severus Snape and his Graduatee

00Snape- The sequel

Severus Snape and his Graduatee 

"Goodybye Potter. Cheerio Pothead, no too cheery. Hope you die soon, old chap?"

"What on _earth_ are you doing, Sev?" came a slightly mystified soft voice from behind him, and Severus Snape sprang around from the mirror, where he had been making faces and practicing saying goodbye to his arch enemy. He blushed slightly.

"Er…" he began, but Hermione's laugh cut him off as she swung her legs over the edge of the bed and into the silk mules standing there.

"Never mind." She said as he kissed her proferred cheek and helped her up gently. "Obscuris Secretus." 

"Last time?" he siad hopefully, and she smiled at him. 

"Almost, Sev darling, almost. Graduation day and tomorrow."

"What are you wearing to the ceremony?" he asked, changing the subject before she could ask did Albus know yet. How about no?

"We have to wear our house colours with the robes on top." She answered, rifling through her wardrobe in search of the new dress. 

The dress she pulled out was a deep blood red, almost black, that shimmered so softly he knew it must be silk, two toned with red-golden hues.It was strapless and fitted, and slunk down past her feet. 

"Right, I'd better go back to the tower then." She said, almost sadly, and smiled coyly at him. 

"Not using my bathroom?" he replied, "You wouldn't be expected to turn up anyway…"

"Fine, fine!" she attempted to sounde grumpy, but only succeeded in sounding happy – she loved his bathroom. 

When she emerged she was wearing the dress and blood red slippers. Her hair was loose and curled softly over her shoulders, clasped up in golden clips with lions prancing along them. Her graduation gown went over the top, loose with it's large sleeves, and her mortar board was tucked underneath her arm. It was edged, like the gown, in red and gold silk. She looked so stunning, Severus Snape (who had been ready before she awoke) fingered his wand for only a moment before raising it and crying, 

"Markus obliterus de Snape ! »

« What ? » cried Hermione, running to the mirror, only to see black words burning slowly into her forehead to read,

"Property of S. Snape." She read slowly, growling as it turned invisable. 

"Only if the man who dares to touch you has lewd ideas…"

He ended up in the bath, fully clothed. 

She went away humming.

The Gryffindor Common Room was an absolute tidal wave of sound, motion, panicing seventh years and various parents being shown around. Hermione was almost knocked flying by mrs Weasley, who seized her in an embarassingly tight hug and burst into noisy tears. 

"Uhr, Hello aunt Molly." She said, wriggling away, only to be seized by Sirius Black who had been lazing in his armchair, reading over the Gryffindor Annual, produced by Colin Creevey, who had also taken most of the photos for the year book. As he tried to craefully feel her bottom underneath the fitted robes, he went flying backwards and landed on top of Parvati Patil (who, truth to tell, didn't look wildly upset).

"Yo Mione!" said Ron, dressed in marron and gold robes (looking fed up and constipated because of the colour), with Harry standing behind him in a tasteful muggle suit in dark maroon and gold tie. "Where have you been?"

Hermione froze, blushed a horrid shade of mauve, and stuttered something that sounded like "Prluptuoghyn!"

"Erm, alright." Said Harry, a naggling memory at the back of his head threatening to surface it all it's hideousness. "Hey, have you seen Snape yet?"

Hermione's mouth dropped open, and the entire Weasley clan turned to gawp at Harry. Fred, or was it Georger, finally sopke.

"Harry, you nutcase, see Snape this early in the morning? She'd be dead."

"Erm, yes, let's go!" Hermione seized Harry's hand in hers and towed him out of the common room, "Come and meet my parents with me!"

"Ron…"Ginny said at lastm, trying to avoid the sight of her brother turning violet, "Do you think there's something going on with them?"

"AAAAAARGH!" and Ron threw himself sobbing across the common room to land in the sofa's comforting squishiness and console himself with a bannana. Eugh, not like that you pervs!

"Um, Ron dear, lets go downstairs, alright." Molly hauled him to his feet, looking slightly green (she had always assumed Harry would enter the family via Ginny not Ron). Ron followed obediantly, choking back sobs.  

They bumped into professor Snape at the foor of the stairs, where Fred and George turned pale, and even Charlie gulped a few times. Mrs Weasley hummed loudly while she avoided him, going slightly pink, and mr Weasly slunk after his wife. Bill winked at the professor, who glared back, seemingly horrified that not all the Weasley clan hated his guts, and Ron almost walked into the wall in his efforts to get away. Ginny had apparantly gone another way around to avoid him. 

Waiting for them at the bottom of the Entrance Hall were the Grangers and Potter, with his god-father looming over them. Mrs granger (Edna) was wearing little glasses, and looking around her with a fascinated look on her petite featered face. Her hair had apparantly been wrestling with a hippo. Mr Granger (Bob) was over six foot tall, and beaming at his daughter, clearly his pride and joy, through brown eyes and messy hair. Hermione beamed proudly at them both, and tugged them over to the Weasleys. 

"Oh, hello Molly!" said Edna, waving at the plump red head, and waved back eagerly. 

"Arthur!" boomed Bob, and he and the Weasley father were soon involved in a conversation about spark plugs. Molly and Edna discussed their offspring proudly, while Sirius slunk off somewere with Fred and George. Hermione scuttled over to Ron, pulling Harry behind her. Ron looked deeply upset. 

"What's wrong Ron?" asked Hermione, patting his shoulder. 

"Stay away from me, you Harry-stealer!" he cried leaping backwards. Harry looked bemused, while Hermione watched him as if he would explode. 

"Erm, Ron, I'm really not interested in Harry. You can have him and his appallingly short hair and lack of brain." Harry blinked twice. 

"Oh thankyou, thankyou!" screamed Ron, and began snogging Harry. Apparantly while Harry had issues with collecting buttabor pus, he was very good at causing a scene, because the whole Weasley clan were almost crying hysterically, and Bob and Edna looked rather happier. (Now they knew their daughter would not be ravaged by her best friends.)

"Five points from Gryffindor." Snapped an oily voice behind them.   

"Ah! This must be the man himself!" cried mr Granger, whirling around and bestowing a proud smile upon Severus, who was looking rather confused. Hermione was waving her hands desperately. 

"Dad! Come and sit down!" she said eagerly, towing his away at full speed, Edna following behind. 

"Erm, what was that about?" said Harry, untangling himself from Ron to raise an eyebrow at the scandalised potions master.

"FIFTY POINTS!" shouted Snape, "for lewd behaviour!"

"What!?" said mr Weasley, gathering his last shred of courage. He hadn't been afraid of the little first year while he had been HeadBoy, but Parents Evenings had scarred him for life. 

"Kissing! In the hallway! And five points from the Weasley clan!" screeched Snape, seeming to loose his head.

At that moment two large men stepped up behind him and patted his head in a very intimadating manner. Draco Malfoy grinned at his godparent while his mother, standing behind her son, fluttered her eyelashes (Lucious was in Azkaban and she had always fancied Snape) and pouted. Oliver Wood on the other hand clapped him on the shoulder almost pitching him forward.

"Hello Commander!" he boomed cheerfully, "We've come to see you confess your undieing love!"

"You idiot!" hissed Draco, while his mother stopped fluttering and tried to calm the butterflies in her stomach. Snape was going to confess his undieing love for her, Narcissa Malfoy! 

"HALL! NOW!" screamed Snape, nostrils flaring, and everyone in the entire entrance hall ran for the great Hall rather hurridly, Oliver Wood grinning as he did so. 

The Great Hall was silent, packed out with proud parents, bored siblings and bruised godparents. Albus Dumbeldore in robes of canary yellow was standing on the stage, beaming jovially. Behind him sat the teaching staff; Minerva crying into her tissue, Flitwick squeking excitidly, Vector tapping his head with his quill as he tried to work out the probability that all his students had passed and Snape scowling happily.

"Good Afternoon! Good Afternoon!"began Dumbeldore, "First of all I would like to thank the staff of Hogwarts who have yet again ensured that every student has passed their NEWTs and can be a fledged wizard, and especially professor Snape, who ensured the service was punctual by using his lungs in the entrance hall! And now, onto our graduating students! Right, Slytherin first!"

Snape stood up doulfully and strode to the podium,

"Bulstrode, Millicent. Three Averages in Dark Arts, Herbology and History of Magic…Crabbe, Vincent. Three Barely Acceptables in Herbology, Dark Arts and Potions…Goyle, Gregory. Three Barely Acceptables in Herbology, Drak Arts and Potions…Malfoy, Draco. HeadBoy. Five Outstadings in Ancient Runes, Defence against Dark Arts, Dark Arts , Transfiguration and Potions…Parkinson, Pansithildy.* Three Acceptables in Dark Arts, Herbology and Ancient Runes…Zabini, Blaise. Four Outstandings in Ancient Runes, Dark Arts, Potions and Pure Potions."

The Slytherin year were all assembled on the stage in green and silver robes with their black robes over the top, each clutching a certificate tightly in sweaty palms and smirking broadly. They shook their Head of House's hand and some even hugged him enthusiastically. Snape hesitated and hugged them back. They posed for their photographs and then clambered off the stage, cheering loudly. 

"Thankyou professor Snape! Now, onto Gryffindors!"

Minerva stood tall and rigid, but a few tears fell down her face as she read out, not in alphabetical order because she could hardly see through her blurry tears.

"Dean Thomas! Three Acceptables in Transfiguration, Arithmancy and Herbology!"

Blblablablablablablabla, and now onto the interesting one 

"Hermione Granger, HeadGirl!" Hermione, grinning, climbed the stairs to the podium and embraced her head of House. 

"Seven Off The Records in Tranfiguration, Potions, Potions Pure, Defence Against the Dark Arts, Muggle Studies, Arithmancy and Ancient Runes!"

The entire Hall cheered wildly while Hermione blushed cherry red. Finally she coughed a little and the noise turned to silence. 

"I want to thank Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizadry for allowing me to have the most magical time of my life here!"

More cheers and then a strange chant was heard from the rowdy legion of aurors in the front two rows. "Undieing Confessions of Love! Undieing Confessions of Love! Undieing Confessions of love!"

Hermione looked flabbergasted and turned to hush thm, but a strange silence had fallen over the hall as Severus Snape stepped forward, a furious scowl on his face. He glared the aurors into silence, and then, just as Dumbeldore began to stand, dropped to his knees in front of Hermione. 

Dumbeldore sat down.

He grasped her hands in his own larger ones and kissed her fingertips. 

"Hermione, I love you more than you will ever know and more than even my potions. For the last year you have made me the happiest man alive even next to Dumbeldore and given me something to come back to."

Hermione gasped and dimpled. Harry and Ron sat there, flabbergasted. Everyone was completely in shock, mouths were open all over the hall and everywhere you looked people had turned pale.

"Hermione, you have ensnared my senses without potions, bottled my love and kept it safe, simmered my hopes and brought them back to life, now I want one last thing. Will you marry me?"

Hermione shrieked and flung herself on him, hugging him so tightly the little ring box with the emerald and platinum ring was sent spinning out of his hand to the feet of Albus Dumbeldore while he held her closely.

"Yes!" she whispered in his ear, and his face blossomed into a look of pure ecstasy. 

The entire Great Hall burst into cheers and whoops, noisy tears, old friends fainting, new friends doing little dances, teachers jumping up and down and two disgruntled but very happy houses screaming along. Somehow, in all the mayhem, the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs grabbed their certificates and carried on cheering and Albus Dumbeldore handed the little ring back to his treasured friend. 

So, in the middle of a ring of protective aurors with the entire wizarding popzulation of Great Britain going crazy and high around them and the Grangers sobbing onto the shoulders of Albus Dumbeldore, Severus Snape made Hermione Granger the happiest witch alive by slipping a beautiful ring on her finger and kissing her stomach gently. 

The pictures from the year of graduation 2003, The _Year Harry Potter Graduated_ as it went down in history books, are full of people jumping around hysterically and singing, going mad and dancing on tables, aurors giving a fireworks display with coloured stunners, Albus Dumbeldore grinning like a madman and Narcissa Malfoy sniffling to herself. 

But in the end of the yearbook you will find a black and white picture of a beautiful girl with a look of rapture on her face being held by an ecstatic man some years her senior, and although around them is mess, their little circle is silent and serene as they hold each other and weather the storm. 

And it is always that picture that is the most well thumbed and watched, because that was when the exquisate headGirl accepted the proposal to become the mrs Snape to Professor Snape. 

And really, it's so mad that it sums up the entire year, especially the graduation in August. 

Severus Snape did get to say goodbye to Potter, but was being held at wandpoint by his fiancee so couldn't quip. Unforetunately, Harry fainted again just after he had forced out a 'goodbye Scarhead.' Which took away most of the fun.

TBC 

*Why doesn't Pansy have a full name? Well, she does now! Impressive, isn't it?

Thanks for the reviews!


	10. Lord Snape the Very, Very Nervous

00Snape

**Lord Snape the Very, Very Nervous**

Severus Snape was pacing, rather pathetically really, across his rooms. They seemed to have grown to be endless, but in reality he was merely pacing smaller steps. Across the room Draco Malfoy and Blaise abini were grinning, Draco pouring out a crystal glass of Scottish Whisky and holding it out to Severus. 

"No, Malfoy. _She_ wouldn't like me to be drunk." He muttered, but his eyes watched the glass as it glinted temptingly in front of his eyes, the amber liquid shaking a little. 

"Aw, come on godfather." Dismissed Draco, "What she doesn't know won't hurt her."

"_She'll_ smell it on me." He sighed gloomily, mesmerized as Draco sloshed the liquid around more. 

"Nervous?" snorted Blaise, smiling widely. 

"Ja." Answered Severus, very, very quietly. Blaise smirked and tinkled the glass bottle with his silver cufflinks, lying abandoned on the table. 

"Look, Sev," he said, "Go for it, last drink as a free man, dude. Then we can start with the teadious part of getting dressed."

"Excuse me, I'm the one with the most clothing on here." Pointed out the potion's master, indicating his green silk gown and the other two's obvious lack-of-anything.except-boxers.

"Yeah, and the one giving up your freedom, dude." Pointed out the heir to the Zabini fortunes. 

"He's right…" said draco coyly, "She's got you under her thumb already…"

"Right! That's it!" snarled Lord Snape, and seized the tumbler. Swigging it back, he was caught in mid-strip, as we in Britain say. 

The fire cackled green, binged urgently, and Ginny Weasley tumbled out onto the hearth, dressed in little more than a silk negligee and oodles of curlers. Snape choked briefly, recognising the gown as one he himself had bought for Hermione when she had got past the part of being able to wear anything to enhance her figure. Ginny had obviously grabbed it off the hook where it lived before diving through the fire place. The whisky flew all over the place.

"Booze!" she almost shouted, "Before _she_ runs away to the Three Broomsticks and emmigrates!"

Blaise and Draco gawped at her, and then grasped the meaning of her words. 

"There you go, Sev," said Draco, smirking, "The bride'll be drunk as well."

Severus, guiltily stuffing the crystal glass behind a cushion sat down quickly. Then he held out the tumbler he had fished from it's hiding place. 

"Fill me up, Blaise, before I have to say goodbye to my greatest confort."

"Oh Merlin, don't tell me he wants to move to Australia as well!" exclaimed the youngest original Weasley. 

"Oph, we were thinking more about Antarctica, dudess." Joked Blaise, tipping the bottle over the glass and filling it up, "Australia is such a cliché!" he added cheerfully, and tossed the bottle to her. 

"Have another one." Advised Draco, handing her a bottle of unopened Whisky from underneath the table.

"Thanks. See you six later!" she joked, and dived back into the fireplace.* 

"Yes." Murmered Snape wearily, swigging the bottle down. "but I was thinking more of Cornwall."

Blaise and draco stared at him for a while, shook their heads and proposed a toast to Severus sharing his beautiful fiancee. He chased them around the suite for a while, and then went to take his thrid shower of the morning.

"Do you think he's trying to drown himslef?" asked Blaise, ear pressed to the keygole.

"Oh no." Assured Draco, "There's about ninety photos of Hermione stuck to the walls in there."

"I must make sure I have a shower then." Joked Blaise, easily and quickly. 

-*ö*-

Hermione looked stunning, walking up the aisle on the arm of Remus Lupin, her surrogate father. Her dress was of an ancient muggle design, a sixteenth century Jane-Auston type of affair, ivory with silk ribbon trim and her hair piled high onto her head and decorated with real pearls. He could hardly see her face under the silken veil but knew she would the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on benaeth it's restrictions. 

Her bridesmaids were Ginny Weasley and Luna Lovegood, and Harry and Ron glared at Snape from either side of her. It was a little strange perhaps, but they had their rights. Severus had not been happy to be _warned_ as part of the ceremony.

Finally, just before he felt his leg go dead, she reached him and shyly held out her hand for his. Harry made a little rabbit sound and Ron went slightly green, but they didn't try to tar and feather the groom, for which he was grateful. Blaise and Draco grinned widely beside him, and went to take the arms of the bridesmaids while Harry and Ron followed the procession upto where Albus Dumebdlore was beaming proudly.

"I'm glad you didn't run off to Antartica." Whispered Hermione in his ear, and he almost choked.

"Good evening." Greeted Albus Dumbeldore, "Ah, Harry and Ron, would you like to warn Seveurs?"

He sounded rather amused, and Severus rolled his eyes when he saw Hermione's hand go up underneath the veil to bloke the choking laughter. Harry and Ron stepped forward, glaring. 

"Right!" began Ron, "If you ever, ever, ever make Hermione cry we will bash your head open and feed your brains to Hagrid's blast-ended skreets."

"If you ever, ever physically hurt her, we will destroy your potions labroratory." Said Harry, and Severus shuddered.

"If you leave her, we will make sure the best lawyers take away everything you own"

"Basically, if you offend her we'll sic Sirius on you!" finished Harry triumphantly. Blaise and Ginny were giggling softly now and only Severus looked marginally terrified. 

"Thankyou boys." Said Dumbeldore, beaming, "Now, as according to the Wizarding vows and rules, I must ask you some questions. Severus, you first. Do you understand that if you ever use your magic against your partner, you will be sent to Azkaban?"

"Yes." He replied gloomily, and Hermione nodded, whispering yes.

"Do you understand that if you attempt to hurt your partner while drunk, you will be sent to the mercy of Harry Potter and Ron Weasley?"

"Yes."

"And you miss Granger, will be sent to the mercy of Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zabini?"

"Yes."

"Not that we'll do anything, mind, because she's damn sexy!" hissed Blaise, loud enough for Severus to hear. 

"HANDS OFF MY WIFE!" he roared furiously, until Hermione tapped him sharply on his back and patted his head soothingly. 

"Severus, calm down. Then, by the power of the phoenix, I pronounce you man and wife! You may now ravish the bride!"

"Erm…" Hermione said rather quietly, and everyone in the whole hall turned to look at Dumbeldore.

"Good heavens, you have no sense of humour! Severus, snog her!"

Severus shrugged and flipped the veil off his new wife to reveal a beautiful, delicate face peering up at him worridly. Carefully he grasped her chin in his hand and lowered his lips to hers, kissing her delicately. 

Author's Note: Yeah, that was short. I had no idea what a wizarding wedding was like, and I couldn't be bothered to ring my granddad for the exact words of the real service, so I did this instead! It has to be the mushiest chapter yet, right? 

Erm, can I ask some questions? Is 'Interesting…' as a review good or bad? And why did someone (sorry, I can't be bothered to check your name!) feel the need to tell my Pansy's surname was Parkinson, when it was correct? Hmmm. Not that I'm moaning, I got lots of lovely reviews and these were nice, just a little strange!

Right, the **_LAST CHAPTER_** of 00Snape is under construction, so review if you want it!

* hums *

That was your que to scroll your pointy mouse down to the end of the screen and along, press the review button and write enthusiastically 'MORE MORE!' even if you don't want more.

Right, off you go!

Erm, shouldn't you be doing something?

Good Person! * smiles * 


	11. Sev the Nuovo Genitore

00Snape 

**Sev the Nuovo Genitore**

Lord Severus Snape was in a foul mood. It was the third day in December, and Albus had just finished putting all the bloody misteltoe up over the school. Two of his male Slytherin sixth years had been caught in the misteltoe and had been late for his NEWT level lesson, meaning he had had to stay in over break and supervise the ends of their potion brewing. On top of that, he had had the new first years before lunch for a double period and had to assign four detentions and three new cauldrons in the first twenty minutes.

He had just settled down with his Seventh Year Slytherin and Ravenclaws after a lunch of tuna salad and oatmeal (Hermione had been lying down apparantly asleep, and that was all he could find in the fridge…) who were brewing fame in small amounts. In fact, it was just an attraction potion, but it turned an interesting shade of orange and had been dubbed 'fame' after the Chudley Canons. Pretending to be surveying his class over the rim of a third year essay, he settled down into his leather chair and sighed. 

This teaching lark was a bummer, there was no doubt. If it wasn't students under fifth year screaming in terror as he savayed down the hallways, it was his fifth year asking about the war, or his seventh years asking about his sexy wife. And if he could teach them the love potion he _must_ have used. 

He murmphed under his breath, threw down the essay and scrawled an A for Abyssmal across the top. Anyone would think these children didn't listen at all, especially this lot in front of his desk who were staring at the window. 

"Get back to work!" he barked, but their eyes soon wondered away again. Sighing, he stood up to recommence his pacing when a large explosion went off in front of his desk, covering both himself and all the essays with violet gloop. 

"Mr Ferdango!" he snapped, and the seventh year Slytherin smiled disarmingly at him. "What did you do!"

"I added the parselwrought three nano-seconds too early sir." He answered confidently, reminding Severus of Draco Malfoy when he had been that age.

"**_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGH_**!" Came an earsplitting yell from somewhere just outside the classroom and Severus jumped. 

"_Damn_ you, you stupid boy!" he snarled, "Clean this up, detention at –_Sssssssh_, baby-baby!" he cooed. 

**_"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGH!"_**

"Sssssh, and daddy will buy you a new racing broom!" said Severus desperately, almost running out of the classroom. 

The newest Snape was almost eight months old today, and had the 'perfectly evil' combination, as his godfather, Harry Potter, put it, of being able to scream like Hermione and scowl like his father. No-one could tell whether the baby was actually evil or just sweet, but Severus Snape was determined he was just sweet. 

He was the perfect combination of the two of them, with Severus' baby curls in ebony, and Hermione's stuck up nose. His eyes were a glittering obsian black and currently misted up with tears. He was also a mini-Houdini, and could escape from anywhere as easily as his father brewed a sleeping potion, and was particulary fond of appearing outside his father's classroom and screaming when an explosion happened. 

"Dadth!" he lisped in joy when he saw his father bear down on him and scoop him up, although the tears had now merged with spit and were dripping down his chin. 

"Augustus!" scolded Snape, but stopped as soon as his son screwed up his face and began to wail again. "Ssssh, daddy'll look after baby." He soothed, and Augustus stopped crying and hiccuped.

Waving his wand impatiently, Severus cleaned the baby up and towed him back to the classroom. There was the one advantage of having such a distinctive offspring, Augustus being at least eleven years younger than veryone else in the school, he was always returned to the potions classroom from wherever he turned up. 

"Mr Ferdango, I thought I asked to clean up." Said Snape icily, placing the baby on the teaching platform where he shuffled around on his bottom quite happily, distracting all of the girls in the class and half the boys. 

"Yes sir." Answered the curly haired boy, grinning.

"Well, why haven't you?"

"You ran off without telling me when to!"

"Now. And be quiet about it! Detention at eight with professor Macgonogall tonight. And no, I don't care if you have social arrangements, you disturbed _my_ _son_ and you will be punished accordingly."

Anthony Ferdango looked resonably dressed down and began to clear up the mess. Severus sighed when he noticed his class staring in fascination at the baby.

"Get back to work, all of you! Augustus isn't coated in attraction potion!"

"Actually sir," piped up a Ravnclaw timidly, "He's eating it."

"WHAT?" bellowed Severus, almost falling off his chair. 

It was true, Augustus Snape, or Gus as his mother called him, was swallowing handfuls of the violet goo happily, waving it around as he did so. Severus almost had an apoleptic fit, and seized the baby and his wand. 

"Repelus!" he shouted frantically, and all the goo flew out of the baby's mouth, along with his mid-day meal, landing all over his father. The baby gurgled happily, and waved his chubby hands around from his vantage point in the air.

"Obscuratus!" said Snape tiredly, and all the repelused goo vanished into thin air, along with his son's lunch. "Right Gus, Stay! Stay!"

He said this slowly while allowing the baby to continue shuffling around and beaming lopsidedly at the class of funny people his beloved dadth was playing with. Gus grinned happily when dadth put a springy mattress around the bottom of the platform and began marching around the room, pointing at bubbling things in big bowls and shouting. 

Ronald Weasley, or Uncie Ron as he insisted Hermione call him so Gus would get used to it, would have said Gus was evil, through and through. He disrupted almost every teacher except Trelawny (who he couldn't get to) by shuffling along their corridor and then wailing when someone shouted. Having infiltrated the classroom, he would smile winningly, all would be alright, and he was allowed to stay. 

He had life easy. His mother adored him as she should, and fed him and cleaned him and sang to him rather nicely. His father he already had wrapped around his plump fingers, and was duely carried around, played with and given so many new toys that his playroom was over flowing (it was his fifth playroom of course) and his mother sighed every time she saw a bag embroidered with 'Good Baby!'. 

His uncie Ron threw him up and down, and was rebuked by his father every time he came to visit, and uncie Harry always managed to slip him a lollipop which he got tangled in his silkly baby hair. Ginny Weasley adored him and insisted on painting his toenails black much to the disgust of his father, but Gus liked the taste and wailed when it was removed. Every teacher in the school loved him to bits, and Albus Dumbeldore didn't even mind when he destroyed an expensive sneakscope or pulled Fawque's tail. 

Severus Snape, in case you hadn't noticed, was whipped by this baby. It had been a March when his wife burst into his office, screaming his name and threatening to make him eat muslie in the morning unless he did something, right then. 

"What's wrong?" he had screamed, terrified, and had been hauled out of the office by his ear. Luckily it had been the seventh years, he had got rid of them that August and so was spared the embarassment of seeing them drag each other around by the ear whenever he passed. 

He had been hauled upto Albus' office and they hd flooed over to St. Mungos, delived the baby, and flooed out.

Yeah, in his dreams. In fact, what followed was fifty two hours of being threatened with castration, divorce papers, being beaten up by Harry and Ron, being beaten up by Draco and Blaise and finally being made to promise he would never demand any more children. 

He left, sixty hours later, with a purple hand, two black eyes as she punched him desperately, a split lip, and a baby in hospital who he had fallen in love with, from the very firt moment of seeing it's mucus covered head. Oh, and without his wife, who was asleep. He had flooed Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley and Draco Malfoy, and soon the entire Weasley and Potter clan, the Malfoys and the Zabinis and all the teaching staff at Hogwarts had turned up.

He had then fainted, and been put in a bed next to his wife, who had torn up the newly arrived divorce papers but not the contract of no more children. 

Three days later he was allowed out, only to find his wife and baby, who they had agreed to call Augustus (that was a lie. Severus had sneakily snatched the birth certificate and named the baby while his wife was still screaming and being stitched up – as if Hermione would agree to call him Augustus!)

"Severus, muffin, you haven't seen Gus have you?"

Torn out of his reminiscing he saw his pretty wife's head peering around the door. 

"Hello Hermione." He greeted. "He's here." He motioned to his beloved son with a quill. 

"Gus-Gus-Gus!" called Hermione, ignoring Severus once she had what she came from. Gus held out his arms to be picked up, and grinned delightedly. 

"You didn't let him near the potions, did you muffin?" asked Hermione, once she had the baby in her arms and pulling on her hair.

"Of course not!" Snape said smoothly, warning his class into silence with a grimace. 

"Good muffin." She kissed him on his forehead. "Would you like to stay with daddy, Gus-Gus?"

"Dadth!" Augustus let out a wail, and then, quite suddenly, fell asleep. He had inherited this trick from his father, who had fallen asleep instantly throughout his childhood, and Hermione was led to understood it was a Snape thing. 

"Right, bed for you mister." Said Hermione, and then lent down to kiss Severus, whispering in his ear softly, "And bed for you too, mister…"

"Anything, Hermione, anything!" swore Severus, kissing her on the cheek. "Class dismissed!"

The class, sighing over the adorable Gus, left the classroom reluctantly to go to the library or their common rooms. Severus gathered Gus into his arms and kissed the baby.

"Dadth…" whispered Gus quietly, in his sleep, and Severus Snape felt his heart break again.

This was his baby, his adorbale, sweet, innocent child that he had never thought he would have, and _never_ thought he would have with the beautiful witch by his side. After all, what had he done to deserve this child? Zilch. Well, maybe he had almost single handedly beaten the deatheaters, graduated hundreds of students through Hogwarts, fooled the entire world into thinking he had no heart and fucked the living daylights out of Hermione. But still, this baby was his, and he would always spoil his child.

Severus Snape knew he was whipped, and he knew he always would be, even if his son dated some horribly unsuitable girl (or boy), or ran away to sea, or demanded anything. But he was a Snape, and he deserved that. He was also a Granger, and Severus knew Hermione would stop him being _spoilt_.

"Dadth…"

00Snape smiled softly to himself, stroked the soft down of his baby's head and took his wife's hand in his own.

What more could a spy want? 

Well, except a good shag…

Author's Note: Wooo-hoo! I know this is the last chapter, but review anyway pleeeeeease. I'm starting a new story called The Founder's Folly which is another Snape/Hermione one, and about five times as confusing as this one!

Urm, Please, please can someone tell me why this is so confusing? I don't understand, and I don't want to make your heads implode or anything, so do tell me. 

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that, and, havingfallen head over heels for Gus-Gus, may write some more…. Isn't he cute? Of course, that's only if you beg on bended knee!

Thankyou all so much for all your lovely reviews, and the continual nagging of my lovely Carabunni, which * encouraged * me to put thischapter up. I hate finishing stories!

_Sleeping Dragons Die_


End file.
